I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
damn he’s good
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing