“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.