You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.