We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate