Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I get distracted pretty eas
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.