I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….