My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup