Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Duck typos.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.