I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
real
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.