Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.