I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.