*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Don’t tell me what to do
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.