we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I don’t think my car can fly
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.