I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*