Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!