non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
You Might Also Like
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.