I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.