Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Customer is always right
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough