The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I think this cat is broken
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.