Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight