Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Expect the unexporcupine.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Rather alarming headline…