Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I created you as mosquito food.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.