no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Livid.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.