How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession