I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.