Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.