“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.