Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
You Might Also Like
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.