*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
You Might Also Like
God has abandoned us.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Oh hi lol
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war