Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
You Might Also Like
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Is this a threat?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting