I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.