They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.