Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.