Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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That took me a moment.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
that lip filler tho
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.