My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!