me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I saw this ending much differently.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.