My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
You Might Also Like
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
crazy
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Childbirth is so beautiful
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”