Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
This made me chuckle.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it