Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how