I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?