[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
(Gaming support cat.)
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog