Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
A friend sent me this.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son