I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?