I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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