7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Phonetics
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.