*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
This came to me in a dream.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.