Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
NASA has no chill
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Hamburger Hinderer.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.