Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.