My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.