Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.